Sometimes, the people who seem the most composed are the ones hurting the most.
Emotional abuse in marriage is not always easy to spot. There may be no shouting, no bruises, and no public drama. But behind the scenes, your friend might be carrying a silent and heavy burden. In toxic relationships, especially those that appear “high-functioning,” the signs are often subtle. That makes it even harder for someone in that situation to ask for help.
Evelyn Lauda’s memoir, The Place I Am Meant to Be, offers a valuable glimpse into what this looks like. From the outside, Evelyn’s life looked fine. She was a wife and a mother, and her husband appeared responsible and composed. But inside her home, she was being slowly erased by emotional control, manipulation, and silence. She didn’t speak about it for years.
If you have a friend you suspect might be in a similar place, here are a few ways to be supportive without pushing too hard or making them feel exposed.
- Listen Without Judgment
Often, someone in a toxic marriage fears being misunderstood or blamed. The most helpful thing you can do is listen, really listen, without jumping in with advice or questions. If your friend shares something small, like feeling dismissed or overly responsible, resist the urge to fix it. Just acknowledge their feelings and offer a safe space to talk more if and when they are ready.
- Watch for Small Signs
Changes in behavior can say a lot. If your friend withdraws socially, often cancels plans, avoids certain topics, or seems anxious about their partner’s reactions, these may be signs of emotional strain. Pay attention, but do not confront them directly. Gently ask how they are doing, and leave the door open for deeper conversation.
- Avoid Criticizing the Partner
Even if you suspect the partner is harmful, harsh words about them can make your friend shut down. Survivors often feel protective or conflicted about their relationship, especially if they are not ready to leave. Focus on your friend’s well-being instead. Say things like, “You deserve to feel safe and heard,” rather than, “He’s no good for you.”
- Offer Help Without Pressure
If your friend starts opening up, offer support in practical ways. That could involve helping them find a therapist, researching legal information, or simply being a consistent presence. Let them know they are not alone, even if they are not yet ready to take action.
- Be Patient
Healing from a toxic relationship is not quick, and leaving one is not always immediate. Evelyn took small, quiet steps over time before she left her marriage. She consulted with a coach, hired a lawyer, and carefully planned for her children’s well-being. Your friend may be doing the same, privately. Give them the time and space to move at their own pace.
Evelyn’s story in The Place I Am Meant to Be shows just how hard it can be to speak up when you are trapped in a toxic dynamic. Her book is a must-read for anyone supporting a loved one who may be struggling in silence. It offers perspective, compassion, and hope, not just for survivors, but for the people who want to help them.
If you suspect a friend is struggling quietly, you do not need all the answers. You just need to be someone they can trust. That can make more difference than you know.
Read The Place I Am Meant to Be byEvelyn Lauda now on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967679843.